I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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