The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
