You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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