No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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