I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
