dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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