Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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