I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
