to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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