I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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