Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
sarcasm needs its own font
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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