just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
