I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
