It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
