Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
