i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
