The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
