KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
