I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
