the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
