Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
