My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
