Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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