I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
