News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
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