i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
