This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
