8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
