I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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