found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I have aggressive nipples.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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