mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
