my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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