I want to make a zoo with you.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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