I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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