I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
