Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
