im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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