First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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