wanna go halves on a baby?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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