I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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