All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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