She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
