thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
