i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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