just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
