I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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