it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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