I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
