The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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