My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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