she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
